Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
