i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
