my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
These tits shall not be calmed
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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