My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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