He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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