woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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