Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
