he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
