you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
