I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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