now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
