I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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