your parents love me but you hate me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I love you. Go after that dick
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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