Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
