I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
