True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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