I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
