I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
