I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
