Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
