All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
