Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
