I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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