When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
