why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
