giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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