sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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