Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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