if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
