When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
