my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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