Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
