i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
