she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
