I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
