new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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