Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
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It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
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... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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