Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
