Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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