I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
