Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
