Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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