we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
