we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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