if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
