I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
