You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
