i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
