I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
