Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
These tits shall not be calmed
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
