then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
