life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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