my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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