yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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