he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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