All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
