I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
