I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
