I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
