If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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